twenty now, living independently
you and your gayest friends
carving a silly existence in a
chilly little terraced house, where
the water runs hot and the air is
heady with laughter
you potter on unsteady legs
wobble-stumble-stand precariously
grab the counters and
run your hands along the walls
always holding your breath at the very top
of your dad’s stairs
wondering
if this
will be
the time
you
drop
it stops worrying you, this
this baby giraffe routine
starts to be funny
because it has to be
because the grief of it threatens to flood your synapses
you are not far from that three-year-old
brash, autistic, saying whatever she felt
unsteady on little legs
later, they’ll put you in sports clubs for this
for the way you tipsily lurch
hit everything with windmilling arms
like
the world is in your way
and maybe at three it is
you declare, adamant, that you
will be going to university
and you don’t really understand what it means
but everyone believes you, knows
knows
knows
that you will
and you do, with your health
more baggage than your belongings
you don’t know what you’re doing
reading and writing and wobbling around shared kitchens
late night chats and late night pain flares
i want my mum rattling through your bones on the bad days
just like when you kept skinning your knees aged three
the familiarity of the sting never lessening its intensity
you became a person that kid would be proud of
but you also aren’t that far from her, really,
or from your ageing grandparents
who don’t know about the
wobble
stumble
stand
or about the extent of the
dizziness pain tachycardia fatigue pain pain
that stays between you and your bedroom floor
if she, that three-year-old, knew
how all this would end
all the long nights and despair and never feeling
enough
would she still want this?
the question is a fallacy, because
of course she would
her determination is what got you here
clinging on through every wobble-stumble-stand
and every new medical why
the kid doesn’t know any of the science
but she’s got plenty of life ahead where she’ll
recite medical science like a prayer hex promise
for now, the kid falls over and cries
the adult falls over and laughs
temporally connected by unbalanced limbs
splayed out
and it can be as simple as that
