decision paralysis
I thought the pills would help
Ignore it
I see no reason
to pretend I am okay
to pretend I can function
to pretend I want to see you and
talk to you and
be around people who only want the mask of me,
the pretend me,
the highly curated meticulously edited
revised for modern times with appropriate behaviors
conversation starters
preprogrammed scripts designed to lull you into a sense of security and belief
that I belong
The character of me
fits into your play that you’re not even aware is a play
but I’ll break the fifth wall and scare the audience away
I’m the robot who gains consciousness
but realizes it’s easier to stick to the program,
shut down, and
float away
talking about the weather,
complimenting your shoes,
sticking to the script
I wish I could say, think, create with sincerity
I wish I could feel
willing my existence
to entangle with yours
not saying the right words but the Truth
without you turning away,
wondering why you’re here or
what you’re doing or
why I suddenly seem like a stranger
responding in kind
starring in my play as I sometimes fulfill a minor role,
a background character,
an ensemble member,
a piece of scenery in yours
I mold my character to fit what everyone needs
I don’t know who I am anymore
the manifestation of a script
33 years of shaping, adjusting, becoming
an internalization of someone else’s ideal
the robot following the program
lying to get through it and survive
but I think
survival should be the minimum,
we’re here for a reason,
right?
to find Truth, love, something beyond ourselves
that we can’t find or
even search for if
we’re stuck in an endless loop every single day
the same
