More than anything else, he is just. Annoying.
Any day I decide I’d like to just exist peacefully
That little bastard has the audacity to follow me around
Like a toddler tugging on my sleeve
He exists as a spider that has gotten into my shirt
Crawling and gnawing at me
Until I’m riddled with bites
And I’m never quite sure if it’s still there or not
He exists as a little worm that has burrowed into my ear
Infecting my thoughts and hurting my head and it won’t get out
He exists as a giant beast that will crush my chest until I break beneath the weight of it and become smaller than I already feel
See if I explained it like that
It would scare people away
So instead I say it like this
Sometimes I feel like a tambourine in the hands of some girl at church camp who has no idea what she’s doing
Knocking on a hip to the rhythm of religious hymn
But possessing not an ounce musical skill
So the shaking is constantly unpredictable
Sometimes I feel like a ball on a string on a paddle in the hands of some grubby ass kid Walking and laughing as they smack me against the wood
Gripping the handle with their sticky fingers as they pound away
Only to drop it at a moment’s notice for some other toy that attracts them
Sometimes I feel like a broken stick shift in an old Cadillac
Cruising down the road like any other car
But, jolting at seemingly random moments
Causing other drivers to keep their distance
I often struggle putting my thoughts and feelings into words
So when attempting to explain Anxiety
How that bastard fills me with spiders and worms
I have to dilute it into something more digestible
So as to not disgust people
I want to explain it so viscerally because that’s how it feels
And while there’s nothing wrong with doing it artistically
There’s a difference between being honest and real
But I can’t find a way to make it entertaining, it stays in my throat, and the feeling only grows
It’s has grown into my hands shaking like a tambourine
My heart pounding like a ball on a string
And my body ticking like the jolting of an old Cadillac
My head and my body are pounding and jerking like a fun carnival ride
Shaking the soul and every bone inside my body
Sometimes I feel my bones in my body and think they would be best ripped out of my body so I have more room for Anxiety to grow, my head is not enough to contain him, so he rushes out, faster than even my breath knows, so I can’t quite catch it and I can’t breathe, I’m too weak, so I can’t breathe, I want to speak, but I can’t breathe and I can’t
Until I take a moment,
And find that breath,
And he finally leaves my body,
And I’m empty.
I’m empty!
I’m…
Empty.
And it feels…
Worse?
Like a…
Hm.
I look down and see him running off,
Laughing, and bouncing a ball on a paddle,
And I can’t help but miss that little bastard.
